John Oliver Reveals Illicit Global Cadbury Creme Egg Conspiracy

Did you know that Cadbury Creme Eggs aren’t just a sickeningly sweet, vaguely holiday-themed treat? No, according to truth-telling TV personality John Oliver, they are also the epicenter of a global conspiracy involving classic Christmas movies, Bono, gold, and affordable airfare.

Apparently bored because Last Week Tonight took the weekend off, Oliver nonetheless corralled his crack team of investigators into working through the holiday to create a YouTube-style conspiracy video exposé of Cadbury Creme Eggs, which he describes as tasting “like mermaid placenta covered in candle wax.”

So how can such an apparently repugnant snack have such a devoted following? “The reason is simple if you just follow the money,” says Oliver.

He notes that the average Cadbury Creme Egg sold in the U.S. weighs 34 grams, “the same number of streets in Miracle of 34th Street, a movie which takes place on Christmas. What’s the most memorable Christmas gift of all? Five golden rings — of course, gold.”

Following that thread, Oliver points out that Europe’s largest supply of gold is held by Germany, which just happens to be one of the sites where Freemasonry took hold.

“And where is the Cadbury Corporation based?” he asks. “That’s right — the United Kingdom, which is only a quick and affordable flight from guess where, oh yeah, Germany.”

But if you’re asking him “What does gold in Germany have to do with candy in Britain?” Oliver reveals that such a question is a “false flag.”

“Here is what they don’t want you to know,” he continues. “Cadbury Creme Eggs were originally sold as Fry’s Creme Eggs. Oh — why did they change their name? What were they running from? Maybe their true identity. F-R-Y… Three letters — three — like a triangle. Now, take a Creme Egg, cut it in half and put it in that triangle. What does that look like? The Illuminati eye.”

That leaves only one conclusion for Oliver: “Cadbury Creme Eggs appear in our stores for the financial benefits of Illuminati elites, such as Jay-Z, Beyonce, and Al Sharpton.”